‘I left with melancholy because it was my dream job.’

What is your main concern with your book?

At first I thought I wouldn't miss anything. My wife, who is also my best friend, said: ‘You friend, go to the doctor now or I'll throw you out’. So I went to the army doctor for the first time in 2016 and then to the trauma centre in Berlin, where a medical history was taken. The diagnosis was of course surprising. As I wanted to grow old with my family and raise my children, I accepted therapy suggestions for over 6 years.

In the end, the Bundeswehr and my personnel managers decided that I should leave the Bundeswehr. I was told that I would never get better any other way. I was also told that I should make up for the time - 1638 days - that I was away from my family. But I also felt it was a noble move on the part of the Bundeswehr, because after all, they had invested a lot in my training. I left with melancholy, because it was my dream job. But life must go on. 

‘Six years of dream therapy were laid out in this book at the end.’

Why did you feel the need to write about your life as a soldier in the first place?

Nothing really worked in my trauma therapy at first. My psychiatrist, who was also a non-fiction editor, suggested I write down a few stories from my life. I sent him some incidents from missions that had been very stressful. He was enthusiastic and said I had a talent for writing and could perhaps turn it into a book. I booked a writing course. At home, I laid out a ‘thread of life’ on the floor, using nuts as markers, and eventually the script of my life was written. My wife and test readers loved the story and wanted me to publish it as a book.

Your readers now post about your book on social media every day.

I offer readers the opportunity to share my story, and many are supportive.

I offer readers the opportunity to share my story and many support my endeavour to integrate veterans and active soldiers into society. For a long time, we soldiers were forgotten. Now, with the war in Ukraine and Gaza, society is realising how important it is to have a strong army in the country.

Despite post-traumatic stress disorder, do you have no problems performing on stage at readings?

I've been an officer, company commander and platoon leader all my life and have led people all my life. But now it's surreal to talk about my life, my feelings and my fears. I will soon be at our university in Hamburg with the next ‘leaders’, the student lieutenants and first lieutenants who will later be company commanders, unit leaders and commanders. The readings before them are the multipliers for later. I hope that they will treat their comrades differently later on if something like what happened to me happens to them. Because when it comes to post-traumatic stress disorder and operational injuries, we haven't picked up many soldiers yet.  

©Vocko

In chapter 10, you write that you ‘lost something that made us human and normal’. In chapter 55 you also write: ‘’You shall not kill‘’.

I have undergone trauma and behavioural therapy and learned skills to cope with triggering situations. But I realise that I will never be 100% healed in my life. In combat, you get into situations that cost lives, and I can't blame my former employer for that. In exercises you shoot at cardboard cut-outs, but you can't prepare a person for every situation in open combat. Every soldier has to realise that force has to be used in certain areas. 

When NATO invaded Kosovo in 1999, there had already been a civil war there for five years. I was there as a medic when the mines were cleared by explosives experts. When we found the mass graves, I couldn't understand the cruelty of some people - how Kosovar families could hate and slaughter each other just because of their faith.

‘Every solidier is a rifleman first.’

You were a paratrooper and a medic at the same time?

In the military we say: ‘Every solidier is a rifleman first’. First and foremost you have to fight and then you have a secondary task. My job was to go on patrol with the paratroopers and help in an emergency.

What is the Bundeswehr's mission like under the law?

When we were deployed, we received a briefing from a legal advisor beforehand - rules of engagement, an assessment of the escalation levels. As part of our alliance with NATO, we are assigned areas in which we provide support, rescue services or set up civilian facilities. That is our task as German armed forces. As a medic, I was a supporter when I was travelling with the Americans, French or Norwegians. The enemy doesn't see that of course - if he sees a car, he shoots and in that case I get to defend myself. 

‘I was able to take the pain away from my comrades and save them.’

Was there also a moment when you said that it was worth choosing such a self-sacrificing path in life? You also quote ‘That's my Job Dude’.

Anyone who serves their country has a very honourable job, be it as a nurse, police officer or soldier. In almost 30 years in the military, the good memories outweigh the bad because I was able to help civilians. I was able to take the pain away from my comrades and save them.

‘Some things we're not involved in, you can't get involved, even if it tears you up inside.’

How can you deal with the fact that you didn't intervene during the stoning?

This situation went against my faith, but stoning is part of their faith. In the book I described what I would have preferred to do, but there were 90 villagers in front of me, all armed with Kalashnikovs. There are many victims in war, especially children and innocent people. This story is part of my dream therapy and is true one to one. In some things we are not present, we are not allowed to interfere, even if it tears you apart inside.

‘We were long forgotten or far away.’

Was the lack of respect for soldiers also a problem for you?

This society had a distance to us soldiers, we were long forgotten or far away. Now the situation is different. Israel is not far away and Ukraine is very close. Many people now want a functioning army that can deploy us in the event of defence. We are now in the media spotlight and also because of Veterans' Day. 

‘How does a soldier actually feel?’

Many of my comrades are now also telling their life stories in books to show - how does a soldier actually feel? Only now am I experiencing people approaching me on the street and saying: ‘Thank you for doing this job’. 

Were the Invictus Games a turning point in your life?

Before the Invictus Games, I was like a stone emotionally. My wife said to me: ‘Even if you have to cry in The Hague, you are my husband and my hero.’ During the games, my friend and counsellor, the psychology sergeant from Warendorf, sat next to me and watched me. They both realised that I had never cried so much in my life, but also experienced many moments of happiness.

I was at the games in Düsseldorf as a referee and no longer as an athlete like in The Hague. It touched me to see my team-mates enjoying their moments of happiness. I won't be going to Canada, but I want to be back in 2027, wherever that will be, with my whole family. My family just has to experience it, my three girls aged 12, 10 and 5, because dad is their hero.

If you've led such an adrenaline-fuelled life, how can things continue for you now?

I was looking for adventure and adrenalin on my missions abroad. Now I no longer go skydiving, I drive a ‘chilled’ car with cruise control at 120 and no longer need a kick. 

Where can you be seen in the near future?

The next readings are at the Centre for Recruitment in Munich, then at the Medical Service Command in Koblenz, at Parachute Regiment 26, then at the University of BW in Hamburg. My publisher is Carola Hartmann's Miles-Verlag, which publishes many soldier books. It's like a big family. If the sales figures are good, the book will also be available in bookshops.  

Could you imagine working as a motivational coach?

It's funny you should ask that. In June, I will be giving a presentation on stage as a motivational and life coach. I was devastated, and many civilians tell me that this particular story inspires them. Let's see how it goes with my studies and the many readings.

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Buchcover ©Vocko